Sunday, May 29

Top secrets every woman keeps from her man.

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The woman you sleep with gazes into your eyes and tells you she loves you. And you believe her. You can tell by the way she looks at you, the way she holds you, the way she seems to always know

what you want before you do.

There are a few of things in life you just know, and how much you love this n***d woman is one of them. But there are a lot of things you don’t know.

A woman may give you her body and her heart, but there are parts that she’ll never give up. Pieces woven into the very fiber of her being. Mysteries only hinted at in a passing sly smile, an

inscrutable laugh.

These are the secrets of lovers past, hidden fantasies, and unshared longings. A woman’s deepest secrets that don’t—and never will—include you. You’re about to sample this hidden knowledge.

But like any man who seeks, you’d better be prepared for what you’re about to find.

  1. Her best friend knows everything
    She knows all of your vitals—from the size of your bank account to the size of your other, um, holdings.

When her friend smirks at you knowingly, you are not imagining it. She knows. So just know that she knows, and deal with it. (It’s not going to change.)

Chat with her about your relationship at your own risk. Your secrets are not safe with her. This is not always a bad thing (e.g., if you happen to be telling her how much you love your

girlfriend). But, in general, remember that she is your girlfriend’s confidante first, and yours never.

  1. Just looking at your hands can turn her on
  2. When you go away, even for a day, she sleeps in your favourite old T-shirt
    Because it smells like you
  3. She’ll never tell you exactly how many men she’s slept with
    No matter how sincere she appeared when she answered your question, chances are she wasn’t.

As an unscientific guideline, when a woman says she’s slept with four men, the real number is actually closer to seven.

Her fib is partly intentional (she doesn’t want to appear a floozy), but mostly it’s sexual amnesia. When a woman wants to pretend an encounter never occurred, she simply scraps the man from her

official score sheet.

  1. She fantasized about being with you at least a dozen times before it actually happened
  2. She has Googled your exes
  3. When she’s falling in love with you, she completely loses her appetite
  4. Her body really isn’t naturally this hairless and smooth all over.
    But she will never allow you to see any indication whatsoever of all the shaving, tweezing, waxing, exfoliating, and moisturizing that gets it this way.
  5. She only appears to have it all together
    Her true organization (or lack thereof) is revealed in her closet, her makeup bag, her desk files.
  6. She still thinks about her ex-boyfriends and compares them to you
    Mostly you win. Sometimes not.
  7. She has discovered your porn stash and your frequently visited porn sites
    And she thinks the things that turn you on are hilarious.
  8. When she says, “I’m ready,” she’ll need exactly 7 more minutes to get ready
    Don’t try to cheat the system by showing up 7 minutes later; She will still need an extra 7 minutes
  9. When she says, “I’ll meet you in 15 minutes,” she means she will leave in 15 minutes
    And thus, she won’t actually arrive for at least 30 (but probably more like 40).
  10. You’ve made her cry more times than you’ll ever know
  11. She obsesses about when you’re going to call her again
    The period of time between your first date and your “Thanks for a great night; when can I see you again?” always seems stretched into slow motion.

So don’t worry about looking too eager. Call. Even if you only wait until noon the day after, it will feel like a lifetime to her.

And don’t send her an email or text unless you want her to put you in the figurative trash can along with your message.

  1. She wants you to talk a little dirty
  2. At the beginning of your relationship, she saves all of your voice mails and listens to them (and make her friends listen, too), repeatedly
  3. She might wear granny underwear and purposely not shave her legs because she likes you
    As crazy as it sounds, the more she likes you, the less likely she is to sleep with you on an early date, because she doesn’t want to sabotage having a “proper” relationship with you.

So she just might purposely hunt out the ugliest underwear in her drawer and not shave her legs—all to prevent herself from getting n***d with you too soon.

  1. She checks out your butt every time you leave the room
  2. She needs constant indications that you want her around
    That’s why it’s better, for example, to say, “I want you to come away with me for the weekend. Could you come with me?” than to ask, “What are you up to this weekend?”
  3. She loves it when you get a little jealous
    So if you ever see her flirting in front of you with the waiter, the bus driver, or another guy at a party, know she’s actually flirting with you—through him.
  4. Even though she may complain that she doesn’t see you enough (or that you work too hard), she finds nothing sexier than watching you put on a suit in the morning and rush off to work
  5. She starts fights with you because she’s feeling ignored
    She’s trying to force emotion out of you. Don’t retreat into your cave; just give her what she wants: some attention. And never tell her to “calm down,” unless you want to guarantee that she
  1. She split the cost of her fashion purchases over two or more credit cards
    So you don’t notice the gargantuan deficit.
  2. She’s constantly testing you
    She observes, analyzes, and judges every action, word, gesture, email, and facial expression.

When she asks you if you want to have a threesome, she doesn’t mean it. If you want her to speak to you again, let alone sleep with you after this conversation, the answer should always be, “Why

would I want to sleep with another woman when I have you?”

the bedroom, and take without asking.

absolutely won’t.

  1. Even if she insists on paying or splitting the bill on your first date, she’ll think you’re cheap if you let her
  2. She may find your best friend repulsive, but she’s fantasized about sleeping with him
    Not because she wants him, but because she wants a piece of a guy who is so close to you.
  3. If she’s going to break up with you, all of her friends know way before you do
    She’s been talking about it for two weeks.
  4. When you and her do break up, she’ll put all photographs of you and mementos of your relationship in a shoe box and store it in her closet
    Just in case she gets nostalgic. Just in case you come back.
  1. She wants you to take control in bed
    Yes, she has a successful career, she’s financially independent, she lives on her own, and she doesn’t need a man to make her happy (in theory). She still wants you to pick her up, carry her to
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